By Jonathan M
Ten years ago, I was in a dark place with my addiction. A feeble attempt at suicide left me hospitalized and committed by the state. I got another trip to treatment. In treatment, I experienced H&I for the first time. I saw these strange groups of people speak about what I felt and experienced. They seemed content and happy to not have drugs.
When I left, I found the rooms of recovery in another fellowship. It didn’t last long, not even a month. I began getting high and attending meetings. I met a young girl whom I allowed take my attention elsewhere. I was back where I left off. The old people, places, and things were another norm. I started stealing from my job to feed my disease, and meetings and fellowship were no longer on my mind.
It took another year before I wanted to die again. This time I got honest with my job. My boss gave me two options…treatment or fired. I chose treatment. That day was March 12, 2008. My clean date is March 13, 2008. After treatment, my job fired me. My family was ready to be done with me. Then I remembered the H&I panels I had seen. I found Narcotics Anonymous.
I started attending meetings. Hell, that’s all I could do. Everything triggered me. I cut out old people, place, and things. I’m a quiet reserved guy. It made meetings really tough. However, men in the rooms reached out to me.
Early on, I took all the suggestions: sponsor, meetings, reading literature, step work, prayers, etc. I started to feel better. Then another female took my attention. Recovery did not come first. I started to not be honest with my sponsor. My meeting attendance lacked. Step work stopped. When I had four months clean, this woman told me she was pregnant, but that the kid could be mine or this other’s guy. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do, so I went back to meetings. My recovery started all over again.
As time went on, life got better. The child wasn’t mine. I got married to a woman I met in the rooms. I moved up in the world at my job. My wife and I were able to afford our first house. We then began to try to start a family of our own. I thought it would be easy, but we hit a wall. For whatever reason, we could not get pregnant. I saw my wife obsess with getting pregnant. Her disease wrapped its ugly head around her. She hurt. Women were hurt and pushed away. There was very little I could do. I had no control.
After doctor appointments, surgeries, and treatments, we had exhausted nearly all options to get pregnant. Our last hope was IVF. My wife took shot after shot in the same region. Sometimes I gave it. My wife was in much pain. I carried the guilt. On our second date, I had told her I wouldn’t date her if she didn’t want kids. Here we were trying to have a kid and she was the one making the sacrifices. At times, I wished I had never said those words. I wish I were the reason we couldn’t get pregnant. I felt as if I had caused all this pain and hardship. She was doing so much to give us what we wanted most.
Well, IVF was a success. We now have two beautiful children…twins Jack and Lily. Our twins are now three weeks old. These weeks have been some of the best and hardest yet. Never have I cried so many tears of joy and sadness. I now have everything I ever wanted. I never imagined my life would turn out this way, and I owe it all to NA.