My Story By: Marcus M.
By: Marcus M.
Primary Purpose
As far back as I could remember I always felt unique and different. I felt invisible and in the geek spotlight at the same time. I loved insects, science, comic books, Sesame Street. I was fascinated and absorbed everything and anything that popular average kids had. My addiction started around the same time as far back as I could remember. Me and the neighborhood kids would swim in Lake Olerwood out to the dock. I learned how to swim in gym class in the 9th grade. I always wanted to swim farther, faster and better to attempt to impress the rest of my friends. I nearly drowned twice. That’s my disease. I always wanted to do more, above and beyond the rest, in order to gain attention and acceptance. I felt I never had that. I like the fact that it put me in danger or result in serious consequences.
I was also very good student in school. My first crush was the little light skinned girl on the playground. She was absolutely gorgeous! Long hair, pretty eyes and a smile that blinded more than the sun that glared over the sandlot on the playground. I wanted her BAD! I wanted her to pay attention to me. I was invisible to her or at least that’s how I felt. I chased that craving and obsession in every area of my life. From my first cigarette that I snuck out of my friend’s Mom’s pack when I spent the night over their house to my first swallow of beer that I snuck out of my Mom’s boyfriend’s 6 pack he kept in the veggie drawer at the bottom of our fridge, to my first love of cocaine I tried in my freshman year of college in the dorm room with my classmate who was a little more rebellious that I was to my first sexual experience when I was 16 after a high school dance in Sheila’s bedroom while her parents were away that late Friday night to my absolute silver bullet – the one that I chased and obsessed over and above anything else.
My first hit of crack, in Peter and Tommy’s studio apartment. I was hooked almost immediately. It felt like no other feeling I ever experienced in my entire life. It took me to a place somewhere in the stratosphere. I loved it up there. I loved it so much, I didn’t care how much it cost. It was the most expensive feeling I ever experienced. It cost me every dime I earned. It cost me my job. It cost me my close relationship with my mom, sister, brother, stepdad, aunt, cousins, coworkers, friends, girlfriend, my fiancĂ©e, my car, my home, my health, my hygiene, my weight, my sanity and almost my life.
I tried to stop and couldn’t. I needed help. I looked up online how to how to deal with withdrawal symptoms and it scared me. I got it multiple times in the form of rehab, halfway houses, jail, psychiatric wards only to return back to the insanity of addiction time and time again. I tried to commit suicide. I couldn’t find any other way out. I failed miserably and survived. There must be something out there that loves me more than I love myself because I’m still here. Today I believe. I believe I can recover not only from drugs, but a tumultuous childhood, bipolar disorder, suicide attempts, unhealthy relationships and a distorted perception of life because I have a second chance. A whole new one. I am 10 years clean thanks to Narcotics Anonymous and a will to live and not die.