“Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
Definition of “harm”… one might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people. I had to look at even the more subtle ways like was I cold, irritable, humorless? I had to know exactly what personality traits in me injured others.
I can remember the days when I was so out of control. I was so obsessed with drugs than developing relationships with other people. I really didn’t realize how much I had isolated myself. I thought that once my drug problem was solved, everything would be grand. What happened with me was defective ways of dealing with others was a real source of pain for me. Many times I thought to myself it would just go away when I quit the drugs. That was not the case.
All of my twisted and broken relationships had put me on the defensive. I told my sponsor after reviewing my list of people I had harmed that there was some I just was not willing to say I am sorry to without taking their inventory. I want to be like I am sorry for… But because you did this to me. She told me to pray for the willingness to be willing every day and to pray good things for those people. As a matter a fact she asked me to pray all those things I pray for myself to pray that for them. It did not take long for me to feel willing to make amends with them. I learned that I had aggravated a lot of people with my sick emotions.
So my sponsor pointed out to me that she notice I was not on my own amends list. She asked me why. I was taken back by this. I realized I owed myself an amends and I needed to be the first on the list. I hurt, lied, and manipulated myself. I thought back on the ways I had been harmed over my life and saw where I did the same things to other people. I swore up and down as a little girl I would never abandon my children the way I had been. I abandoned my boys. That is the hardest on my list of amends by the way.